My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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