I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
