I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
