just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
