I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
