i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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