I'm lost and stupid without you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
