My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize