Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
