Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize