I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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