Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
