When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
FUCK WHALES
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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