I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
