I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize