So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
