she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
