he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
