I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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