It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
