I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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