if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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