You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
