at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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