Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
