its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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