I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
