don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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