we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
