she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The air taste purple.
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