hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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