I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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