He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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