u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want to make a zoo with you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
