If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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