He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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