my phone needs a breathalizer
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Semen is not good for contacts.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
