Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
