just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
