i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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