i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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