ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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