1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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