Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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