Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
