I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
