forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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