dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
