I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
