I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
