watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
