Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
