I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
