You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
