She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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