She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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