how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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