I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
