I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
